Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:iconshabboth:
Hello, and thank you for requesting a critique from :iconlitplease:, my apologies that it has taken this long. I only signed up last week and I'm doing what I can to catch things up.

First, a disclaimer: I do not share your religious views. I do, however, understand them and can evaluate how you've expressed them here. I can also make suggestions for how to better express them. Basically I will do my best to focus solely on the technical and stylistic aspects of the writing without dwelling overly much on the content.

Now, on to the good stuff.

This is a very proficiently written piece of prose. That you managed to write this effectively when there is obviously so much emotion involved for you personally says good things about your skill with words.

Although I don't think much of the star ratings to the side generally, I think a word of explanation might be in order for the ratings I've given you. I've rated you at 4 stars for both vision and technique because it is obvious that you had a clear idea for this piece from the beginning (vision), and because you executed that vision effectively (technique). I've rated you quite low on the originality scale because there are no truly original ideas here. The same themes of questioning both your faith and God's motives have been done many, many times before in much the same manner. That's not to say the piece isn't a good example of those ideas, or that the ideas aren't good, just that the ideas aren't new. I rated you a bit low on impact for a similar reason. The fact that the ideas are unoriginal lessens the impact of the piece for me. It would have been more effective had you found a new angle on the ideas, or a totally new framework in which to put them. Also, please bear in mind that I'm rating your work in comparison with published, professional writing.

In terms of mechanics, I don't see anything that really needs to be changed or improved. I noticed no grammar errors. I liked the way you used italics to give isolated actions some immediacy, and the way you used all caps for the shouting. A very technically proficient piece of writing.

Stylistically, there are a couple of things I'm not sure about.
:bulletblue: "loving" and "lover" share etymology, but have subtly different meaning. A loving God is not your lover. You might be better off re-phrasing that line something like "WHAT KIND OF LOVE INVOLVES MURDER?"
:bulletblue: "with Conner's permission, I crawl" carries undertones of a rather unhealthy dominant/submissive relationship. If this is intentional then I'd suggest you carry it further or make it more apparent. If it is unintentional you may want to look at your word choice there. :)
:bulletblue: The way you've portrayed the Conner character... he comes across as smug, sanctimonious, and a bit of a jerk. I don't think that was the way you wanted him to be viewed. You may want to look for a way to give him a bit more compassion - a more sympathetic/emotional response to your protagonist, for example.

Beyond that, I can't think of anything else to suggest. I hope you find this critique helpful and, once again, sorry for the delay.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment: