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:iconshabboth:
Powerful piece, this. Well thought out, and a great little story line.

There are, however, a number of problems with grammar and phrasing that mar what would otherwise be an exceptional piece of prose.

First things first. Verb tense. You have to pick one. Your writing jumps back and forth between past and present tense, which is disruptive to the reader. You begin the story in the first sentence with present tense ("a man can be seen"), which works well. It gives the narration a sense of immediacy that pulls the reader in to what is happening. In the following sentence ("His eyes dripped") we are suddenly in the past tense. I suspect that you meant to write it in the present tense, but kept slipping into past tense out of habit, as it is the more common tense for prose. That second sentence in present tense would read:
His eyes drip hot tears upon the pews he has been leaning against as the night envelops the church in gloomy terror, the darkness an inky swelling upon what was, a few hours ago, the bright active movement of life.

Note I've also added an extra comma between "what was" and "a few" to properly separate that phrase from the rest of the sentence.

He stifled his tears, which if you think about it, didn't matter

This is a phrasing problem, more than anything. the "if you think about it" part is a bit too casual to fit in with this piece. Try something like
He stifled his tears unnecessarily
which fits better in tone with the rest of the story.

His thoughts race with an ungodly amount of sorrow.
I really like what you've done here with the play on "ungodly", but race implies both speed and progress, and I have the idea that his thoughts aren't actually getting anywhere. Maybe a word like "roil" would work better (good word, "roil")

He went back and forth to those two thoughts when a picture – or a real memory – of his son in an operating table appeared. His son's years rewound until he was an infantile ball of blood and raw flesh, and there she was, her wife in all her pale pallor, the whites of her skin the blinding halogen lamps of the operating room. Blood and gore, spewing all out of her womb, the critical death at the hands of fate: his wife's death upon childbirth.
This is a difficult passage to write. You've still got the problems with tense here, but beyond that there are some awkward phrases that disrupt the mood somewhat. I might suggest:

Change the first sentence to something like "He is suddenly struck by a memory of his son..." The back and forth part is unnecessary and I'm not sure what the difference is between a "picture" and a "real memory"

"The memory rewinds until his son is an infantile...and there she is, his wife... the white of her skin in the blinding..." Again, the start of the sentence could be more direct and immediate. The verb tense is still having issues (I'm going to stop mentioning verb tense now, but only if you promise to revise for that at least). She is his wife, not her wife, eyes have "whites" because there are two of them, skin has white (singular), and you've omitted the preposition "in".

The rest of the piece has many of the same issues, mostly with verb tense and tone. Rather than go through and point them out individually I'll trust that you can extrapolate from what I've already mentioned and fix up the remainder of the problems.

Overall a very potent, and emotional (and sinister at the end) piece of writing.

Oh, in answer to your specific questions:
1) quite well, but not as well as you could have
2) I wouldn't say foreboding, but you set the tone of grief and anguish effectively
3) for word choice, see above

I hope this has been helpful, and look forward to seeing a revised version down the road. :D
The Artist thought this was FAIR
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Comments


:iconninestrokes:
NineStrokes Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
A big thank you for your thorough critique :)

you will have made a better writer :)
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:iconshabboth:
Shabboth Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Professional Writer
Any time. I love it when I see a promising writer with great ideas who just needs to fix up some mechanics. Mechanics are easy to learn, creative drive and good ideas are not.

My apologies for cutting it a bit short. I would have carried through and detailed the rest of the piece, but yours was the eighth critique I've done today and I just didn't have it in me. Drop me a line if/when you revise and I'll have another look. :)
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