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:iconshabboth:
Thank you for requesting a critique from :iconlitplease:. My apologies for the wait, I hope you can forgive us.

This is a very evocative piece of poetry you have here. Normally I don't care much for free verse poetry, as the lack of required structure is too often used as an excuse to be lazy. You have been anything but lazy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the structure of the piece. The progressive regression into the past with pauses for mesmeric gazing at objects (the maple door) speaks to me. Cellos make me think of nostalgia as well.

The only suggestions I can think to make are regarding a couple of word choices and one or two grammatical errors.

and evening found me

I'd suggest changing "found" to "finds" here. It would help to make a distinction between the now and the time of the remembrances. Purely a feel/style thing though.

Card by card my moves grew heavier.
"moves" and "heavier" don't work very well together for me. I'd suggest "my movements slowed", or something like that. I feel like his movements slow not because he's tired (heavy) but because his attention is elsewhere.

all the way up to your neck.
Ten minutes ago I was staring blankly at the water currents flowing down the shut maple door.

I'd suggest a blank line between these two lines. It would help keep separate times separate.

crept through my pores to short-circuit my hemispheres,

I love this line.

Heidelberg brigde
bridge

as it bursted through your mouth


The past tense of "to burst" is "burst". "as it burst through your mouth". As a Canadian, I also prefer "snuck" to "sneaked" (last line of the same stanza) but sneaked is correct outside of North America (and correct within North America as well, but less common).

I see nothing else here to improve. I quite enjoyed the structure, as I said. I also love how you tied some of your imagery and symbols together. The wood grain of the door with the ripples in the river, and the two fireplaces in particular.

Thank you for writing this.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconmavracula:
Mavracula Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Sorry for taking me so long to reply to your really detailed critique, I had given up on waiting till someone bothers to comment and help me get better in both poetry and grammar. Finding such a thorough analysis made me really happy!
Thanks, thanks and thanks!
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